|
Post by CNGoodhue on Nov 9, 2015 21:00:28 GMT
How Long is a Chinese man’s name?
No, it actually is.
|
|
|
Post by CNGoodhue on Nov 9, 2015 21:15:13 GMT
My grandfather died peacefully, in his sleep…
…not screaming like the passengers in his car.
***
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
***
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
***
Two gold fish are in a tank.
One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
***
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
Sadly, no pun in 10 did.
|
|
|
Post by Ellron Silvertree on Nov 10, 2015 5:17:46 GMT
Seeing as I have relatives from Montreal, I feel the need to defend the Québécois... :P
Ha, you made me laugh, Cedric.
|
|
|
Post by CNGoodhue on Nov 13, 2015 20:02:03 GMT
There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
***
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”
***
How long does it take to copy a file in Vista? Yeah, I don't know either, I'm still waiting to find out.
***
Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?
Because they don't C#.
|
|
|
Post by Jag Starblade on Nov 13, 2015 20:38:37 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Merenwen Inglorion on Dec 1, 2015 6:20:57 GMT
What's the smallest device you can call someone on? A micro-phone!
What would the town do if Jo did something bad? They'd ban Jo! (you know, "banjo"? Instrument? XD)
Why did Elsa lose her job? She just let it go!
What's the newest animal you can get at the pet store? A New-Guinea pig!!
*ba-dum* *tish*
-All of these courtesy of my little sister
|
|
|
Post by Kirenyth Fireblade on Dec 2, 2015 22:39:38 GMT
Whoever invented knock-knock jokes should get a no-bell prize.
Energizer bunny arrested: charged with battery
Pasteurize: too far to see
My teacher threw sodium chloride at me. That's a salt!
The pinky toe has three main functions: 1. grow mutant toenail. 2. fall off edge of flip flops. 3. dresser corner scout.
I told a chemistry joke. There was no reaction.
|
|
|
Post by Angel on Jan 8, 2016 4:54:00 GMT
Jesus: My child I never left you, those places with the one set of footprints? It was then that I carried you. That long groove over there is where I dragged you for a while.
|
|
|
Post by Alvar on Jan 8, 2016 21:51:28 GMT
Riddle me this: I am first in Earth, second in Heaven, I show up twice in a week. I only appear once in a year, although I'm in the middle of sea. What am I?
|
|
|
Post by Leilani Sunblade on Jan 8, 2016 21:56:50 GMT
Alvar: I've heard something like that one . . . 'tis the letter e
|
|
|
Post by Elytra on Jan 15, 2016 21:00:59 GMT
There were three ministers, a Anglican, a Baptist and a Rabbi. They were having a meeting about what money they gave to God and what they kept themselves. The Anglican piped up and said that he draws a line in the ground and throws all the money up, and what lands on one side he keeps and what lands on the other God keeps. The Baptist then said "I do something similar. I draw a circle in the ground and throw the money up. What lands in the circle belongs to God." Then the Rabbi said "I have a very simple way of going about this. I throw all the money up, and God can get what he wants."
***
One day the three ministers had another meeting. They needed a bus to take a whole heap of kids to a holiday programme. They decided that they would all pay one third of the expense to buy this bus. Once the bus was bought, they would sanctify it and make it holy. The Anglican vicar sprinkled water over it and declared it holy. When the Baptist pastor saw this, he decided to go big. He completely drowned it with a hose, inside and out, till it was soaking wet. Then it was the Rabbi's turn. He just waited eight days and then cut two inches off the exhaust pipe.
|
|
|
Post by CNGoodhue on Jan 15, 2016 21:03:12 GMT
Hahaha, that last one was really good. xD
|
|
|
Post by Elytra on Jan 15, 2016 21:07:02 GMT
I learnt them both at camp. xP
|
|
|
Post by NightBlade on Jan 21, 2016 18:07:31 GMT
Heeheeheeheehee xD
What is yellow and can't float, scares away birds but attracts dogs, and is a pushy bully?
|
|
|
Post by WookieeElf on Jan 21, 2016 18:32:09 GMT
NightBlade: You've got me stumped. How does Master Chief greet his friends? "Hay-lo!" I'm cheesy and I know it. XP
|
|
|
Post by NightBlade on Jan 21, 2016 18:43:52 GMT
And you aint afraid to show it xD
It's a bulldozer of course. I made it up on the spot xD xP
|
|
|
Post by Angel on Jan 24, 2016 2:00:56 GMT
And you guys were doing great with dat song xD
|
|
|
Post by CNGoodhue on Feb 11, 2016 4:46:13 GMT
HIGH SCHOOL 1959 vs. 2015
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2015 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2015 - Police called and SWAT team arrives they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2015 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2015 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2015 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2015 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2015 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2015 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
|
|
|
Post by WookieeElf on Feb 11, 2016 13:00:39 GMT
|
|
|
Post by Elethia Arvell on Mar 9, 2016 16:14:11 GMT
Edith's husband of 30 years passed away, leaving the poor woman a widow. In the same week, Alice and Jim were married. Jim went ahead to Florida to make preparations for the honeymoon. Anxious to contact his new wife, Jim sat down first thing to send her a letter. Unfortunately, in his haste, he failed to fill in the correct addresss... Shortly afterward, Edith was found unconscious on the floor of her house, apparently having fainted. On the floor there was an open letter that read...
"My dear wife, I have arrived safely. Everything is ready. Expect to see you soon! P.S. Make sure to bring plenty of shorts. It sure is hot down here."
|
|
|
Post by jliessa44 on Mar 9, 2016 17:07:21 GMT
So there were three guys, an American, a New Zealander and a Australian. And they had been captured by an enemy camp, and they were sent to the firing squad. The New Zealander went first. The firing squad asked him if he had any last words. The New Zealander stood there for awhile, then yelled "Earthquake!" At this, the firing squad looked around, trying to locate the earthquake. In the conffuddle, the New Zealander got away. Annoyed, the firing squad got the American up. They asked him for his last words, and the American, seeing the New Zealander's success, yelled out. "Typhoon!" The firing squad looked around, trying to locate the typhoon. In the confusion, the American got away. Finally, it was the Aussie's turn. He rubbed his hands together, wondering what he would yell. The firing squad raised their rifles, and the leader asked for his last words. The Aussie smiled and yelled, "Fire!" Starsinger Eruanna Dmitri PendragonThis was originally a white man, a black man, and a polish guy. Aheh. Or that's how I heard it. Anyway, have you guys ever played a country song backwards? You get your dog back, your girl back, your car back, your house back, and your life back, but you lose your beer.
|
|
|
Post by Jag Starblade on Mar 14, 2016 8:01:38 GMT
What have I got in my pocket?
|
|
|
Post by Alvar on Mar 14, 2016 10:43:56 GMT
Oh no, not this one... XD
|
|
|
Post by Kirenyth Fireblade on Mar 14, 2016 21:46:34 GMT
My friend said onions were the only food that made you cry. I threw a coconut at him.
Two snare drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff. *Ba-dum tish*
|
|
|
Post by HyperLinkzer on Mar 18, 2016 5:09:37 GMT
What did the leader of the Soviet Union say when asked what his plan was while Germany waged war on France and Britain in World War II?
"...I'm Stalin'."
aaaaaayyyyyyyy...? :D
|
|
|
Post by Jag Starblade on Mar 18, 2016 8:00:44 GMT
Hyyyyyyyyyyyyyypppppppppppppppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
|
|
|
Post by Ellron Silvertree on Mar 18, 2016 15:47:30 GMT
HYPER!!!!!
|
|
|
Post by Kirenyth Fireblade on Mar 30, 2016 17:07:56 GMT
HYPER!!!! Haven't seen you in ages!
|
|
|
Post by Kirenyth Fireblade on Jun 30, 2016 3:04:40 GMT
*revives thread*
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?
Walking.
JK Rolling
|
|
|
Post by Elethia Arvell on Jun 30, 2016 13:46:14 GMT
Ha! I like that! XD
|
|