There are 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary and those who don't.
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”
How long does it take to copy a file in Vista? Yeah, I don't know either, I'm still waiting to find out.
Post by Merenwen Inglorion on Dec 1, 2015 6:20:57 GMT
What's the smallest device you can call someone on? A micro-phone!
What would the town do if Jo did something bad? They'd ban Jo! (you know, "banjo"? Instrument? XD)
Why did Elsa lose her job? She just let it go!
What's the newest animal you can get at the pet store? A New-Guinea pig!!
-All of these courtesy of my little sister
'Nearly they fell who stand, And with cold after fear Look back to mark how near They grazed the Sirens' land, Wondering that subtle fate, By threads so spidery fine, The choice of ways so small, the event so great, Should thus entwine.' -The Pilgrim's Regress, p. 181
There were three ministers, a Anglican, a Baptist and a Rabbi. They were having a meeting about what money they gave to God and what they kept themselves. The Anglican piped up and said that he draws a line in the ground and throws all the money up, and what lands on one side he keeps and what lands on the other God keeps. The Baptist then said "I do something similar. I draw a circle in the ground and throw the money up. What lands in the circle belongs to God." Then the Rabbi said "I have a very simple way of going about this. I throw all the money up, and God can get what he wants."
One day the three ministers had another meeting. They needed a bus to take a whole heap of kids to a holiday programme. They decided that they would all pay one third of the expense to buy this bus. Once the bus was bought, they would sanctify it and make it holy. The Anglican vicar sprinkled water over it and declared it holy. When the Baptist pastor saw this, he decided to go big. He completely drowned it with a hose, inside and out, till it was soaking wet. Then it was the Rabbi's turn. He just waited eight days and then cut two inches off the exhaust pipe.
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1959 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2015 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1959 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2015 - Police called and SWAT team arrives they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1959 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2015 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1959 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2015 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1959 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2015 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Pedro fails high school English.
1959 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2015 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1959 - Ants die.
2015 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1959 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2015 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Post by Elethia Arvell on Mar 9, 2016 16:14:11 GMT
Edith's husband of 30 years passed away, leaving the poor woman a widow. In the same week, Alice and Jim were married. Jim went ahead to Florida to make preparations for the honeymoon. Anxious to contact his new wife, Jim sat down first thing to send her a letter. Unfortunately, in his haste, he failed to fill in the correct addresss... Shortly afterward, Edith was found unconscious on the floor of her house, apparently having fainted. On the floor there was an open letter that read...
"My dear wife, I have arrived safely. Everything is ready. Expect to see you soon! P.S. Make sure to bring plenty of shorts. It sure is hot down here."
So there were three guys, an American, a New Zealander and a Australian. And they had been captured by an enemy camp, and they were sent to the firing squad. The New Zealander went first. The firing squad asked him if he had any last words. The New Zealander stood there for awhile, then yelled "Earthquake!" At this, the firing squad looked around, trying to locate the earthquake. In the conffuddle, the New Zealander got away. Annoyed, the firing squad got the American up. They asked him for his last words, and the American, seeing the New Zealander's success, yelled out. "Typhoon!" The firing squad looked around, trying to locate the typhoon. In the confusion, the American got away. Finally, it was the Aussie's turn. He rubbed his hands together, wondering what he would yell. The firing squad raised their rifles, and the leader asked for his last words. The Aussie smiled and yelled, "Fire!"
Dmitri Pendragon: Elytra: Wait, it's actually referring to the oldest post on the Underground? (I never did chase that down in fact…)
Nov 27, 2019 19:32:25 GMT
Leilani Sunblade: Rose: Welcome to Whitehall/the new Underground! Glad to see you found your way here. As Elytra said, the riddle's pointing towards the old site and, specifically, a scavenger-hunt type game that WTB and CH set up when they first released the book
Nov 28, 2019 21:11:04 GMT
Leilani Sunblade: Sadly, the game is over, but we still have fun here.
Nov 28, 2019 21:11:16 GMT
Warrior of Aror: Let us sit round the hearth and tell stories of the lives we have lived these past moons! I myself have been working at a grand theater telling Bible stories from behind the scenes.
Feb 29, 2020 1:44:51 GMT